i don't stop.

blsngrl_est @ 2007-11-09T20:13:00

2007-11-10T04:13:27Z

getting happy.

and a little confused.

i'm the only

2007-09-17T05:57:46Z

during the waiting period, i stress

and think

maybe leaving ca won't be so bad. i do like boston accents.

that whole religion thing. i don't know about it. i know i wont be visiting utah or mesa, az anytime soon. but maybe someone/something was watching out for me. it only takes a look into a deprived souls life to realize how lucky you are. and i was lucky. bruises heal. scars fade.

you only get one life.

play hard.

you asked for it

2007-06-21T14:06:29Z

looking forward to 8 crazy wks.

rule-less. that's ok.

i'm still alive

2006-10-15T12:12:03Z

today was a good day

i don't know what i did to deserve to be living in japan for a year but i'm glad i did it.

oy vey

2006-06-20T02:04:02Z

i'm

hooked

.

just a little bit

2006-05-10T17:31:20Z

i miss adi
i miss the girls and all that lies in apt. 311
i miss matt

9 days...

i am partially-actively looking for a job. still trying to decide if it would be better to get one at home or in the bay. and it already seems like my summer is filling up. we'll see what happens.

over the last couple days i've sort of gotten a reality check. i feel independent and i like that feeling. i feel grown up and although sometimes scary, i like that feeling too. my friends are getting jobs. not just summer jobs, but potentially permanent, real life career jobs.

it worries me to think i may lose contact w/ good friends in the next yr. i'm really trying to stay connected w/ everyone.

so much to do. so little time.

blsngrl_est @ 2006-03-18T11:45:00

2006-03-18T19:53:27Z

i swear charlee is high. that bastard won't stop chewing on my jeans. and licking my feet. he knows that pisses me off.

i think arian got me sick.

and hunger strikes again. i haven't had much of an appetite lately, but when i do it's ginormous.

i told my roommate i'm moving out and she wants me to help her find a replacement. i offered to do so but she makes it seem like i'm obligated to do so. i never signed a contract so she knew that this was probable. whatever. i'm not going to go out of my way to get someone to move in. who needs a place for 2 months anyway. she frustrates and annoys me.

i find i'm easily annoyed these days. and bitchy. my apologies.

exanimate. what a great word.

this and that...

2006-03-08T04:03:46Z

the closer i get to graduation, the harder it is to do any work. it seems like with everyday i become more lax.

i'm officially going to live w/ my baachan this summer. i'm so excited. i was worried that my dad would be offended but his response was more like "that's a great idea and i'm surprised you didn't think of it sooner." of course, my grandpa was really excited. he's getting really exhausted taking care of her. she's promised to only talk to me in jpns.

today at the womens shelter, the gossip was about how one of the weekly nurses got scabies and now one of the workers has it. b/c i was so freaked out that i might get it, i kept my hands in or near my pockets, wore gloves when in the kitchen and tried to stand in a way so i wasn't touching anything/one. this time there weren't that many women there and the ones that were there weren't very social, so i didn't have any heartfelt conversations.

sometimes i feel so unlucky. sometimes i feel like i'm very immature. like i'm in a diff. world than everyone else and my rules and ways of reasoning aren't understood. i've been told i'm weird. maybe now i'll believe it.

everytime i get a "bad" grade on a japns test (by bad i mean not an "A") my sensei comes and talks to me about it. today he was like, do you live w/ your baachan? hinting at if you did live w/ her your grade should be higher. i've told him no numerous times. maybe he thinks if he asks anymore it may eventually turn into a yes. he's also said i should be fluent. blah blah blah. i got a "B" btw

i'm excited about the possibility of going on a service learning trip this summer. i've never done anything like that before and it's for such a good cause. this is the type of experience that will change your perspective on life. i'm sure of it.

although it sounds kinda high-schoolish and it prob. is, i'm becoming rather boy-crazy. that's all i'll say about that.

in a fog...

2006-02-24T04:32:17Z

i had a dream i was at the denver airport and adi was like, well, you know debra, i'm in nederland eating indian food so i can't come get you. in fact, i'm really busy tonight. i was like, what biatch?

so there are these ants and they get their little worker ant buddies to feed them nectar from a tree and their bellies swell to the size of an orange. it looks disgusting. their whole purpose in life is to eat and regurgitate their food to feed the rest of the ants. it's truly sick. but on a cool level.

vegas tomorrow! it's gonna get crazy. i just have to remember...no whiskey.

we had this animal behavior lab due today but his instructions were really vague so 8 out of the 11 students in the class, including me, were in the library before class trying to figure it out. when we all walked into class 15 mins late, he was pissed. we were all laughing but he clearly didn't find it amusing. he actually wrote the names of the 3 people who were already in class down as getting extra credit. i had this same teacher earlier today for a psychopharmacology test which was ass hard. i'll call it even.

some japanese international students came to our japanese class yesterday. we had to talk to them in japanese and they talked to us in eng. i realized how bad i am at japanese. not only that but their teacher told me that the way i spell my name means "fat"/"sister or brother of godzilla" at first i thought, maybe he doesn't know what he's talking about b/c of the eng to japanese translation, but he actually told me to start writing my name differently. can i just change it after 4 years. i'm really stumped as to what to do. on the other hand, 6 out of the 7 people i've told think it's just about the coolest thing in the world and i should never change it.

my new nickname at work - godzilla's fat sister. great, just great.

japanese test tomorrow. it's gonna be a long night.

man, i'm out of it

in a fucking fog

you're uhhh....refreshing

2006-02-20T18:23:37Z

i actually got a lot of work done this wknd. i still have a lot left though.

school is going to more than kick my ass this week. much needed wk off next week.

attended my first aa mtg. (adi and arian are always telling me what an alky i am...haha) it never occured to me what a problem alcoholism is. especially in malibu. there were prob. 100 people there. i also never realized how many hot guys are trying to become sober. man. but i guess i shouldn't look to pick up guys in aa. christie actually asked me if i went w/ matt. yea, date #2, aa mtg. no.

i wish more than anything adi could come to vegas with us. it would be so much more fun, i'm sure of it. there's no one i'd rather get into mischief w/ than you.

i'm well on my way to becoming a teacher. i have grammar assignments due in apr and july for my new job. i'm glad they gave me a deadline to do this stuff. i prob. wouldn't do it otherwise.

i had a dream i was placed in hokkaido, where i requested, but i wasn't too happy about it. i also never remem. my dreams so i don't know if it really occurred.

summer plans:
my dad has pretty much told me i'm going home the day after graduation. since i don't know what else to do, i think that's prob. what's going to happen. i was thinking i could get a part time job in san fran, live with my baachan and make her speak to me in only japanese. that way, i wouldn't lose anything from not having class in the summer. my teacher says i should be fluent b/c i have a jpns grandma. hmm. anyways, my grandpa could use the help taking care of baachan. i don't know. things are still up in the air. i most def. have to visit adi for a while. i freakin adore boulder.

i really like gelato. mango to be exact. maybe i'll work at whole foods. they have very attractive male employees. and mango gelato.

who eats ice cream at 10am? ah...

blsngrl_est @ 2006-02-01T19:10:00

2006-02-02T03:11:47Z

still feeling the highs from the best day of my life.

pure bliss.

ok, ok. the asian jokes were funny.

2006-01-19T18:09:59Z

i had so much fun in colorado this wknd. my first hockey game. first time snowboarding. first time quitting snowboarding. haha. no, i'll do it again for sure. first time in keystone. first time getting sick from being such an alky. it was an amazing getaway. really, it was. thanks to adrienne and co. i'm excited for you to come back here or to nor cal or me coming back there. i really think if i had another yr at my disposal i would move there. i see boulder as the epitome of a what a college town should be and i am thinking i will for sure stay away from private grad schools. i'm anxious to move on from malibu as i am so over pepperdine. god i want to be in japan.

my one yr review at wrk was very telling. i got a lot off my chest about how i'm just put into roles basically to do dirty work and how i would really like a defined role. of course, minutes before the review i went to get 20 keys made, came back then went to the store to get food for some board member. such bullshit. i seriously almost quit. i keep sucking it up and doing what they ask b/c i want to be a team player and do what is necessary but i'm just getting fed up. anyways, the review helped a lot and there should be (better be) some changes. only time will tell...

my last semester is going to be harder than i predicted. i'm getting back into guitar which is good. but my classes are actually pretty work intensive. at 18 units, i'm pretty sure i'll cut my hours at wrk cause i really want to do well this semester.

some "friends" just don't make the effort. some go a mile and a half out of their way. i never forget them.

it doesn't feel like x-mas

2005-12-05T01:48:44Z

prob. why there are no lights. it's hot, yo!

i had a freakin stressed out wk. 2 projects due, oral presentation, whack group member who hasn't shown up in over a month, work @ work, doctor appt, but i'm not bitter. i don't think i have ever been as stressed as i was. the thing that scared me was that i didn't know how to deal with it. deep breathing doesn't help. exercise, either. this wk i have 3 papers due and 2 more presentations. what the fuck is wrong w/ these teachers?

i wrote my paper on the acculturation of asian-amer college students last night. i'm so proud i did work on a sat.

i've been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things. not sure i've come to a conclusion about anything but i feel like i have some answers. i'm very excited to be done with school, have an unforgetable summer and experience the world.

fun. i wish i'd known that a long time ago.

i am completely obsessed with peppermint. dryers peppermint ice cream, best thing on earth. coco's peppermint cheesecake, unbelievable. coffee bean peppermint mocha, bliss. new recipe i just found: chocolate candy cane cookies. i'm freakin hyped! so i'm sittin here w/ court eatin mint choc ice cream. mmmmmmm.

back to my paper. does anyone know anything about escher's impossible figures? like 6 pages worth? yea, me neither.

peace out, yo!

blsngrl_est @ 2005-10-25T23:42:00

2005-10-26T06:58:17Z

so, in order to prevent myself from sounding like a prick....i read my last entry and thought i should add that the AIDS walk was most important b/c it raised money for a very good cause and i'm glad i was able to participate. jeez, what was i thinking?

today was completely sucky. mostly filled with worry of how i'm gonna finish all the stuff i have to do before thurs.

speaking of which...i can't wait until thurs so i can finally see adi again. and colorado. hooray!

there's always something to take the wind out of my sails.

my bachan has parkinson's disease. i'm in both shock and denial. i know what this disease does to you and i can picture it but it's still not real to me. you just don't think something like this could happen to someone you know. my dad says i need to come home soon. although i want to, i'm scared to. i don't want to have to face this. i think from what he's telling me i'm not going to be ready for what i'll see. when i talk to her it doesn't seem so horrible but it may just be me telling myself it's not as bad as it is. i just don't understand. i just don't.

i haven't told anyone or said anything. mostly b/c of the whole sympathy thing. although kind-hearted, it's always just makes me sadder and think about it more. i don't know what else to say...

lalalalala

2005-10-17T03:37:30Z

i need a hobby. maybe yoga, i don't really know.

i hit up the AIDS walk today. it was a little over 6 miles and my legs were feelin it. minda and christie are freakin power walkers. but it was for a good cause and i found some stores i may be interested in going to. the weather was rather nice. it even rained a little.

i kind of have a little break this wk as far as school goes. no tests is what i mean. but the hw assignments are starting to pile up.

i realized i've been spending waayyyyyy too much money lately. i'm gonna start checking my bank acct like everyday. i don't know how it happens. well, actually i do. i never carry cash and don't use a balance book thingy and don't save receipts. i also buy things i really don't need. the importance of "save" has been instilled in me but not to the point where i follow it. it also doesn't help that my mother gives me more money than she should, regularly. oh, mom.

have you ever watched anyone deteriorate before your eyes? well, more like ears in my case. regardless, it's really hard. really hard. the feeling i get after hearing her just kills me. i remember so vividly when she would take us shopping, tell me about her homeland, and just be her cute little self repeating things i couldn't understand b/c of her accent. now i ask her questions and hear long periods of silence. she doens't know what i'm saying when i speak her native tongue. she'll thank me for calling her twice in a 30 sec conversation. i tell myself i am prepared for this but i really don't even understand why it's happening. i know she prob won't be able to see me graduate but i'll beg her until she tells me she'll try.

adi, friend...11 days. holy shiiaaaattt.

banana chips and a review sheet

2005-10-04T03:43:19Z

this day just won't end. sensation and perception test was HARD. cross cultural tomorrow should be much easier. research methods on thurs prob. in between.

just got back from my tutoring at camp david. my guy seems really shy and quiet, the opposite of how you would picture someone in a probation camp or whatever its called. i'm sure it would be inappropriate to ask what he's in for. sounds like a depressing life. we read people magazine and i had to catch my self several times when saying, "...you know that show, the simple life (or punk'd)" b/c i don't know how long he's been in there. he knew punk'd though.

almost bought some ale yesterday at trader joe's. then i remembered i don't have a bottle opener. how can i not have a bottle opener? be sure one is in the mail...

my mother is on my ass about researching places for her and my dad. well, not really. but she occupies ALL of her free time doing it. talk about passion.

adiiii, i want to go to ibiza. i've realized that i get antsy when i don't get wild. hehe. it's been about 4 wks. too long, wouldn't you say? hell yea.

i'm actually missing nor-cal. i was thinking of coming home before thanksgiving but i think i won't. i think.

i don't want to study again. this is bad. B-A-D. there's no way i could be motivated enough to do two more yrs of school. but am i really gonna want to come back to it after taking two years (or more) off?

where's my hot boy?

inspired to update

2005-10-02T06:43:24Z

that fire came all too close. and no one is taking any chances w/ anything. my apt leasing office closed for evacuations. all things considered, we lucked out compared to the hurricane.

i think all of my teachers got together to conspire against me. this wk is gonna be hell.

right now, i don't really want the year to slow down. pepperdine has been boring lately. something's missing.

so...these long, lazy days can be attributed to the drastic inc. in temp. people are getting sick. half my class is hackin away during lecture. i'm ready for some rain. and x-mas.

ohh, i don't wanna study. wwhhyyyyyyy?

~so-bo in 26 days. and that's all i'll say about that.

holla

2005-09-24T05:12:23Z

not much to talk about.

these natural disasters are becoming too frequent. my grandpa is from beaumont texas and his family lives there. they all went to dallas for a while. it's so weird that people have to leave all they know and think about if their house, belongings and city are going to be there when they come back. i can't imagine going through something like that. it would just be a surreal experience.

i hear a baby crying. it's not mine. anyways...

i bought some rainbows w/ courtney yesterday. best purchase in a long time. i could never justify buying these things before but i really don't see myself taking them off anytime soon.

i love japanese. i love japanese people. i hope i love japan.

went to the reel inn tonight. the two times i've been there i haven't been extremely impressed. maybe i'm just gettin the wrong stuff.

i said i hate cross cultural psych before, but this last class has really got me thinking. i've kinda figured some stuff out about myself. like self-identity stuff. it's kinda strange how one lecture period and video can help explain the last 7-8 years of my life. it's strange for me to talk about it but in my mind it makes tons of sense.

i feel kinda gross. my ankles, of all places, have been sore for days since running w/ christie. i should go to the gym but i'm not really motivated. maybe in the morn.

guess there was stuff to talk about.

5 wks. is it too soon to begin the countdown?

this and that.

2005-09-16T02:16:36Z

my japanese test went well. that excites me.

my research methods quiz was even better.

i lost my phone but some goodhearted librarian turned it in. i don't lose things folks so i was freakin out. whoo.

i fell asleep in sensation and perception and i think she noticed. and she knows my name now.

lastly there was cross cultural psych. i scored really low on a test made for african americans re: the language they used in the 50's. my parents never talked like that around me. at least not that much. hello, i grew up in roseville. but still like half of the white guys in the class scored higher than me. i'm so uncomfortable in that class.

jason mraz's 'mr. a-z' is AMAZING!
b.e.p.'s 'monkey business' is the perfect club cd.

courtney and i went to dinner last night and found a place where we can go for happy hour. w/ free appetizers. we're such college students.

i have no food cause albertsons has absolutely nothing that sounds even remotely appealing to me. my mother has suggested trader joe's, so...i'm off.

my obaasan (grandma) fell at the dr.'s office and bruised her hand and cheek. they think she may have parkinson's (although i think it's more likely it's alzheimer's). i cried a lot yesterday. life fuckin sucks. it really does.

best f in wknd ever!

2005-09-07T01:49:36Z

i'm getting chills thinking about it.

the amazingly hot jewish boy and the two timin ho bag who deceived me (it's his conscience but it really pisses me off, you know). ah...all in a day's work.

4 in 4 days = definite baller status! i miss you already friend.

...and the wine wasn't bad either. bring on the port!

until next month my crazy best friend. damn i love you.

holla!

2005-09-01T05:59:35Z

bitches, she's here. right in front of me.

mmm hmmmm.

i look like i have fangs in my picture...oh well

2005-08-11T03:26:12Z

i don't feel like writing. i really just want to hang out w/ the girls and down a cold beer.

it's ass hot here. the only two days of the year i don't wear sunscreen, i'm out in the sun the longest. my forehead is gonna peel again. spectacular.

i went to the a's game last night. i love baseball so much. wherever i live later on in life, i want season tickets to the baseball teams' games. how could people think the games are boring?

it's pretty clear i don't live here anymore. my room has been downsized to a box and i'm ok with that. i don't really like visiting for more than 5 days cause it gets boring. my dad isn't even here but i guess we all need our vacation. it'll probably be more enjoyable when my parents are retired so we could actually do stuff. we all went out the last time i was here and i was so excited and happy. anyways, this is probably just the effect of my bad mood. i feel like such a bitch but it's acceptable at times.

things i'm looking forward to:

1.) vegas labor day wknd
2.) boulder, co halloween
3.) adi in antelope/bay area for turkey day
4.) christmas just cause it's christmas

the night is young...

2005-07-28T08:44:49Z

i can only attribute this sudden burst of energy to the disappointing half full/empty cup of coffee this morning. i expect so much more from starbucks than 3/4 cup of foam and something that tastes more like an americana than a mocha. damn, i'm critical in the wee hours of the night.

finally finished my paper and i must say, it may be one of my best ones yet. maybe the barista had good intentions after all (obviously unknown to me at the time).

i'm kind of in this weird daze where i'm not sure whether to stay up and watch tv or go to bed so i sit and stare. it's quite relaxing if you're interested in trying it. clears your mind for a sec...............ok, i'm back. whew...the daze again or carson daly is flat out mesmerizing.

alright people, no use in boring you with my random ranting. i prob need these 6 hrs of sleep more than i think.

2 days of class
7 till trip
8 till the day of birth celebration
13 till home

etc, etc, etc. . .

blsngrl_est @ 2005-07-24T16:30:00

2005-07-25T00:03:07Z

if i didn't have a guilty conscience, i would think about quitting work. i'm already looking forward to may '06 and thinking if i start saving money now, i can leave in hmm...january. my whole thing is, i'm a special program intern (they added that like a month ago. it used to be asst.) and have never planned a program. all i do is admin. i'm a freakin secretary: i make appointments, schedule interviews, meetings, file papers, answer the phones. does anyone else think this is weird?

i think i found a place to live. i don't want to live there but my choices are all too limited. whatever. that's my motto for this school year: "whatever" along w/ "fuck it". i just want to go to japan.

i think i pulled a muscle in my stomach. i also think i'm a hypochondriac.

5 more days of class. 4 since friday's the final. 3 if you count thursday being a review day. but who's counting? 4 classes in 3 months is not something i'd recommend. it sure screws up any kind of summer you think you'll have.

my b-day's next week (along w/ mr. rich's). it always sneaks up on me cause it's still july and i think, oh it's next month when it's really next week...maybe it's just me

adi, where are you? sorry in advance for the psycho photo. i hope it doesn't cause nightmares. but it's true, so true.

carrots aren't very filling. even after 15.

2005-07-14T05:48:24Z

you want me in boulder? i'm in boulder. they have lettuce there too.

the infamous co-worker has a disease. it's not life-threatening or anything but it confirms my suspicions. i'm still freaked out and checkin my nails everyday.

my uncle jim says my grandma is doing better. that makes me happy beyond belief and i can't wait to see her.

i got really stressed out about housing today. archstone would be 915/month now. that's so much for calabasas. no luck in finding anything w/ the girls yet. i don't know how much more i can wait but i know hanna is actively looking so that is a little relieving. i still might have to make a decision tomorrow. ahh!!!

in my search for a second job i found a person seeking someone to motivate an older lady to exercise. it read, "you don't have to be physically fit yourself, just able to motivate someone to swim, play tennis, etc." wha??

at a loss for words. and energy.

back to my runner's forum...

"i wanna thank ya'll for partying w/ me. you can turn the lights off now. peace."